There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
