Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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