I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
