Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
