Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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