don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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