Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
