Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
A+ Viking dick
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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