Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
