we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
