u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found puke in my bra..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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