I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
