I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When did angry sex become our thing?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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