Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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