You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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