Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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