rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
