I could make wine with my vomit
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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