How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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