Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I intend to get homeless drunk
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
