That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
