i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
