In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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