just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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