my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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