Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
a search helicopter?!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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