So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize