She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize