You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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