what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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