Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
