everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
