what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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