my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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