Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
