you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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