Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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