apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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