I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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