Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
