if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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