Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
