alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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