I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
