I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
