Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
