I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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