cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
