At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
