i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
