mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
