Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
