Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
