I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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