so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
