Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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