I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
no, he came in my armpit
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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