This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
